Men are often taught to aim for control of not just their lives and emotions, but also their bodies. So it makes sense that some guys with inflammatory bowel diseases like Crohn’s—which causes symptoms like diarrhea, vomiting, nausea, bloating, and mouth and anal sores—can feel downright undatable.
“We live in a culture that prioritizes control, perfection, effortlessness, and bodies that appear predictable and contained,” says Carolina Pataky, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and a co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute. When people with Crohn’s internalize those societal messages, “people can begin to believe that their body makes them less desirable or too complicated to love,” she says.
Dating with Crohn’s may require a little more planning around things like food choices or bathroom accessibility, says board-certified gastroenterologist Pratima Dibba, MD, with Medical Offices of Manhattan. But it doesn’t disqualify anyone with the disease from having a fulfilling dating or sex life, she says.
After all, everyone has something about their body that they feel self-conscious about around potential partners, whether it’s another chronic condition or a disability, a skin condition or hair loss, or something like erectile dysfunction or infertility. Still, for the roughly 1 million people in the U.S. with Crohn’s, dating does come with a few unique considerations.
The business of disclosure
While Crohn’s disease symptoms can be managed with medication and lifestyle interventions, the condition cannot be cured. If you’re trying to find a long-term partner, you’re ultimately looking for someone who is going to support and love you through the ebbs and flows of your disease, not just when remission makes it easier for you to be out and about. Pragmatically that means it’s worth considering when and how you share your diagnosis.
“There is no universal right time,” says mental health expert and sex therapist Jesse Kahn, LCSW, a certified sex therapist and director of the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City. “Disclosure of your diagnosis is about your comfort and what feels relevant to the level of connection you’re building,” they say. Some people like to put phrases like “chronic illness stud,” “chronie,” or other references to their diagnosis directly in their online-dating bios so anyone who matches with them knows from the start. Others prefer to wait until they’ve sussed out whether there is enough chemistry or baseline compatibility to warrant divulging more about their health.
Either way remember you’re neither making a confession nor burdening your plus-one by discussing your diagnosis. You are simply sharing information about your life—and you should present it as such, says Dr. Pataky. “If you share it with an apology or over-explanation, it can reinforce the belief that something is wrong,” she says. “But if you share it with clarity and groundedness, it becomes part of a broader story about who you are.”
One thing that’s easy to overlook: Disclosure isn’t just about sharing intel, but gathering it too. “Someone’s response gives you real-time information about their availability and capacity for empathy, flexibility, and respect,” says Kahn. “Dating with a chronic illness often requires adapting plans, managing uncertainty, and showing care throughout changing circumstances,” they say.
If a potential partner responds with curiosity and compassion, you’ve learned something encouraging. And if they respond with irritation, judgment, or resentment, you’ve discovered something just as important. Either way you’ll have a better idea of whether they’re someone you actually want to build a relationship with.
A foundation of self-love
An expert telling you you’re worthy of love is one thing; believing it deep in your bones is another. Developing that kind of self-confidence in an ableist world takes time and intention—but it’s essential for choosing partners you can establish healthy and happy connections with.
